Announcing the MOAST Technology

Slalom Skateboard Trucks

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Pat Chewning
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Post by Pat Chewning » Wed Apr 02, 2003 9:43 am

April 1, 2003 – (AP) San Luis Obisbo California
MOAST Technology announces new slalom skateboard truck design.


MOAST (Mother Of All Skateboard Trucks) Technology today announced its “Kone Killer” skateboard truck, marketed for the discriminating slalom skateboarder. Throw away your stone-age trucks and move up to the skateboard truck with the MOAST Technology.

Features and attributes of the “Kone Killer” truck include:
• Dynamically Adjustable Modulated Narrowness (DAMN): This feature automatically and dynamically adjusts the narrowness (width) of the truck to adapt to the turn radius and stability desired by the rider. This is the best DAMN truck with the MOAST Technology!
• You want adjustments, we give you adjustments: Pivot angle, spring tension, wheel-bite limit, wheelbase, toe-in, caster, camber, color, texture, specific gravity, and adjustable gross income (line 32, FORM 1040). All these adjustments are accessed through the use of a single knob.
• Cone Replacement/Adjustment Positioner (CRAP). Don’t you just hate it when your current trucks allow you to hit a cone, displace it, and you are charged with a cone penalty? The CRAP technology will ensure that you are never again charged with a cone penalty. Using highly protected new technology (we could tell you how it works, but then we’d have to kill you), the CRAP system actually places the cones back in position as you pass by them. Never worry about hitting cones again!
• Materials: Unsatisfied with the application of low-tech materials (metal, plastic, etc) in today’s typical truck, the engineering team at MOAST Technology have developed a chromium-unobtainium-polymer-crystaline alloy which is grown in a single crystal in a zero-gravity vacuum chamber under ultraviolet light and a 200 Mega-Tesla magnetic field. The resultant material is used for the truck base, body, axle, springs, bearings, and adjustment knob. This use of a single material prevents the most common problem with today’s stone-age trucks: Mismatched coefficient of thermal expansion of the various materials. This leads to trucks which perform OK at one temperature, but go out of adjustment as the temperature rises or falls. The MOAST Technology “Kone Killers” work just as well at absolute zero as they do at the melting point of magnesium! A real advantage to the serious slalom skateboarder!
• Customization: Each truck is custom built for the customer’s specific needs. In order to achieve the best fit of the truck to your skating style we need to know the following: Weight? Height? Goofy foot or regular? Mongo push or normal? Boxers or briefs? Annual income? Gay, bi, or hetero? Name of pet dog? Miles skated per year? Innie or outie?
• Workmanship: Our trucks are manufactured to ABEC 100000 tolerances in our class-1 clean room facility. The automated robotic manufacturing cells ensure that not a single human hand touches your truck until you open the package. Each tool used in assembly of the truck is zircon-encrusted to ensure the highest standard of assembly accuracy.

The MOAST Technology Company
Buying a truck should not be based just on the technology, but on the company as a whole. The following quotes from MOAST Technology personnel assure you that you are getting the MOAST for your money!
• MOAST Technology public relations officer 'Arab' -- “These trucks are killer! They were designed in California, by Californian engineers, and are built in California for California skaters for use at California slalom events! So of course they are the best. Now the rest of you non-California no-skill beginner slalom wannabees can also buy these trucks, but they will be of limited use to you as your creep through your easy flat slalom courses that we California skaters could easily run with one leg tied behind our backs. But send us your money anyway and we’ll be happy to hook you up with the latest California technology for slalom skateboarding (which was invented in California by Californians), you needle-necked no-guts anti-California weenies! Did I mention they are made in California?”
• MOAST Technology director of artwork and logo design Peter Verdone -- “Some people have wondered about the unusual logo design we are using on these trucks. To some, it may appear like a pagan fertility symbol combined with a swastika surrounded by a picture montage of Hitler, Idi Amin, Attilla the Hun, and Tanya Harding. Let me assure you that there is nothing evil or unwholesome intended. It’s really all about badminton, good lawn care, and natural logarithms. Don’t you get it?”
• MOAST Technology promotional director Jack Smith – “The MOAST Technology Company is dedicated to growing slalom skateboarding and we believe the best way to do this is to introduce the sport to our youth. That is why today I’m pleased to announce our special promotional offer of a free set of our ‘Kone Killer’ trucks to any infants under the age of 3.”

Comments from skaters
• Vlad Popov: “These trucks are wonderful! As you know, I like my slalom really tight. So I ran 5-foot cones – no problems. Then I ran 3-foot cones – the trucks kept on truckin’. I went to ½ foot cones and was amazed. :grin: When I got to negative 4 foot cones I still couldn’t believe it. I was actually turning past the 2nd cone before arriving at the 1st cone! Awesome!" :eek:
• John Gilmour (who even has a slalom course shape named after him – how cool is that?): We do not have enough room here for John’s comments. An excerpt of John’s comments is available in a 12-volume set from Random House Publishing.
• Michael Dong: “I decided to try the Kone Killer trucks on my latest cyber-slalom attempt. I prepared the course by 1st purchasing a 2-block section of office space in downtown Seattle and razing the existing buildings. I then prepared the surface with a laser-guided bulldozer to ensure flatness and alignment with the local magnetic declination. This was followed by a quick-and dirty base preparation of 12” thick rebar-reinforced concrete which I then surface-prepped with a hand grinder to smooth it out. After constructing the roof and walls to protect the surface from the rain, I set up the cyber-slalom course and recalibrated my timing system to agree with the cesium clock at the National Bureau of Standards. Then I ran the course. After only 50 runs per day over several weeks I felt I might have it dialed in enough to turn on the timing equipment and make an attempt. The trucks worked very well, but I have only my laziness and lack of dedication to blame for only being able to post a 4.4 second run and no better. I’m kicking myself for not practicing enough and for taking the lazy man’s approach to site prep.”


<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Pat Chewning on 2003-04-02 02:57 ]</font>

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Pat Chewning on 2003-04-02 03:45 ]</font>

Terry Kirby
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Post by Terry Kirby » Wed Apr 02, 2003 2:14 pm

Pat Chewning is my Hero. TK

<font size=-1>[ This Message was edited by: Terence Kirby on 2003-04-02 07:15 ]</font>

John Gilmour
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Post by John Gilmour » Wed Apr 02, 2003 5:19 pm

Readers digest now has abridged versions of my posts. Is my credit score high enough to qualify for financing for these babies?

Vlad Popov
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Post by Vlad Popov » Wed Apr 02, 2003 7:23 pm

Image

Best April Fool's. Image


ImageMOAST all the way!Image

Bruce Brewington
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Post by Bruce Brewington » Wed Apr 02, 2003 7:25 pm

Very, very nice !!!!

Eric Wallgren
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Post by Eric Wallgren » Fri May 16, 2003 4:12 pm

"I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy".

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